About
I’m not sure when the whole “seeking” thing started for me. For most of my life I was oblivious. I was just attempting to lead a happy life and failing miserably. I had no clue who I was and never thought about it. I didn’t know about “enlightenment” or “spirituality” and had thrown out all religions.
After a divorce in 1984 I was faced with intense and strong emotions that I didn’t like at all. Emotions could no longer be controlled or held at bay. I went into therapy, read every self-help book I could put my hands on and then started with a couple of “easy spiritual” books. I attended a variety of retreats and workshops and read dozens of books.
A longing to realize truth kept me immersed in the search. I became what I call a “mono-maniac with a mission” without knowing a thing about what the “mission” really was and no clue about what would be required along the way.
None of what I did was enough. Nothing is enough. We can’t make it happen. Life is in charge. There is no one-way to wake up from the dream. It’s just what unfolds in any given moment. Grace is ever present.
Along the way the dream disintegrated, no longer a part of the “story of me.” Discomfort, fear and disappointment arose at times. Everything became hopeless, meaningless and purposeless. I no longer found joy in doing things I used to love. Friends fell away and my world turned inside, outside, upside, downside. I consistently find myself doing a lot of things that make no sense, things that no “rational” person would do. Following “Heart” is not rationale but it makes total sense.
These days sadness, laughter, anger, grief, delight and various other emotions and feelings arise. “I don’t know” is Home Base. I don’t care about what goes on in the world but I have fun pretending that I do. Life just isn’t serious, it’s actually pretty funny and as a result I laugh a lot more. Gratitude is ever present.
I frequently call it a magical mystery tour that unfolds continuously and endlessly.